What's New With Old

I feel cushioned by pronoia. That's the opposite of paranoia. It's when you feel others are saying good things about you. I haven't done anything special to make anyone do this, it's just a feeling I have. 

I used to operate on paranoia; the feeling that people were saying bad things about me. This is way better.

Feelings are based on things that can't be quantified or qualified. They just are. So whether you feel paranoia or pronoia: you will be right.

I will be officially "old" in August. Let's call it the pronoia an early birthday gift. I've reached an age where I don't care what most other folks are saying about me, thank heaven. I'm sure that contributes to the pronoia. I've developed patience that outlasts irritation and I can distract myself from getting annoyed by enjoying a warm sunbeam, long hike or the purr of my cat. 

I just spent waaaay too long obsessing over the question of how I can tell if I'm losing my mind. 

It started with a visit to my mother for her 88th birthday, not that she knew it was her birthday. Or cared. She is fading into the wallpaper, with bits of her mind wiped clean by TIAs, known as mini strokes. She told me she can feel them. Not that they hurt, but she knows when one is happening. And afterwards, she said, it's like a piece of her brain is gone.

OMG. That's exactly what is happening. And she can feel it.

So...has she put it together so that she knows she's losing her mind?

And if that's so, what keeps her from panicking? Or maybe she has. There isn't anything she can do about it, but that doesn't stop people from getting angry or terrified or acting out. I spent three days with her and we didn't connect because I brought grandkids. She does best with one or two at the most. They were wonderfully attentive to her and she connected with them so I could stand back and observe.

And panic. Was I looking at me in 20 years?

I upset them with my worry. They felt frustrated that they couldn't do anything about it or answer my questions. I promised I would see a doctor and let them know. They seemed relieved. I saw a doc, who said, "You seem fine to me." I was not relieved. We scheduled a complete check up for next week. 

I got a book from the library, The Memory Prescription (a 14 day play to sharpen your brain: repeat as needed). I had to read three chapters before I got to the memory test. I scored 100 percent. It said I might find the rest of the exercises easy.

What I found was that it eased my mind. The worry dropped away. I developed pronoia. Life became rosy.

The one thing I learned from all this? Don't waste time worrying, find a solution.

Or even better, invest in books, games, programs, therapies, schemes and plans devoted to telling you if you are losing your mind, and what to do about it. I am the last of the War Babies. Behind me is a tsunami of Boomers just waiting to do for The Aging Mind what they did for Botox and Real Estate: send it through the roof. They've lost the battle against losing their youth, now they'll tackle losing their minds.

My bet's on those who will advise them how not to.