The Countdown

photo: Sometimes what you're looking for is closer than you think.





I feel a little gypped. I mean, there are few enough birthdays that “mean” anything after you turn 21. Even 21 isn’t what it used to be, but after it, the birthdays are like stacked dominoes—it doesn’t matter how many dots are on them, what matters is they keep falling.
There used to be 39, which once marked the transition into middle age—and created the excuse of “middle age crisis” for men to dump wifey #1 to mount a younger trophy model on their rec room wall—but the Boomers did away with middle age. Everyone’s young these days—until they turn “old” like milk that’s gone sour. The exact expiration date this happens keeps getting pushed upwards, what with better food and preservatives and medicine and plastic surgery and Botox and every other device known to (wo)man to fend off any appearance of “character.”
Old is how you feel. You’re not old, you’re experienced. Aged to perfection. The slogan sellers are hard at work selling the idea of eternal youth. As a newspaper columnist, I did not dare call anyone under 80 old—and as an editor, I saved several reporters who used “elderly” as a modifier for someone in their 50s from being lynched—or the paper sued. It used to be “seniors” were 65. In some cases—those that haven’t yet been taken to court—this still holds, but few public figures use any adjective relating to age accumulation before 80 without a great deal of thought.
So this year of 64 is not a countdown to much of anything. I can apply for social security or pension as early as 60. I’ve been getting the seniors discount since my hair turned silver in my 40s. Qualified for AARP at 50. The vanishing frontiers of old age keep getting pushed further away by the advancing horde of Boomers.
Which kind of makes this “When I’m 64” thing less fun. We really are healthier, wealthier, better offier, but no Scouts open doors for us, no one respects our experience, no exclusive clubs offer membership.
There are perks. There have to be. There should be rewards for living this long. When I find them I will report. I have 8 months. Stay tuned.

SLI